When we exchanged rings, we hoped our family of two would grow.
It has, into a family of 4. We're just split in half.
Two of us walk the Earth while two of us fly in Heaven.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Today

It's hot. I broke our stick blender while making a coffee milkshake. We're now out of milk. Uh oh. Now I've got to bust out our big blender to do my milkshakes and smoothies. :( Sad face!
I'm also doing my grocery list for the next two weeks and planning our menu. See this sweet little face peeking out from under my pen? That's my little Evan. My second born child. My son. My lil bugaboo. Not a day goes by that I don't miss him. Not a day. Not a day goes by that I wish I could swaddle him, kiss his little cheeks and settle him down to bed. Hear him coo and breathe on his own. Happy squeals on waking up to the sunlight streaming in his nursery window. Happy squeals when Daddy makes him laugh.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss my itty bitty Julia. Not a day. Not a day goes by that I wish I could be shopping for new school shoes, a new lunchbox, new backpack, a dolly from the toy store that she's been telling me all about. Not a day goes by that I wish I could be teaching her how to make a peanut butter and honey sandwich, how to bake cookies, how to set the table and have her put out her juice cups.

Not a day goes by that I wish I could see both my babies play with their little cousin. Not a day goes by that I wish my home was filled with giggles and the general noise of children. The sounds of waking, bathing, dressing, eating breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks. The filling of juice and sippy cups. The sound of a knife scraping butter onto fresh hot toast. The sound of bags and pram and shoes being put on for a trip to the park, the shops, to Nana and Paa's house. The sound of bath time, jammies being put on, bedtime cuddles and snuggles and songs with Daddy. The sound of "goodnight Mama, goodnight Daddy" being called by two sleepy babes all tucked in for the night.

This little face, so perfect and plump. This little face, printed onto an ordinary notebook. This little face, what I wouldn't do to see again, to kiss and cuddle and love on. This little face, who filled our hearts with joy when we first saw him, and which left such a huge gaping hole in our family when he left. This face which gives me such hope for another baby, yet such heartache that he'll never play with them or know them.

This little face makes me smile. Today the smile hurts with longing.

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