When we exchanged rings, we hoped our family of two would grow.
It has, into a family of 4. We're just split in half.
Two of us walk the Earth while two of us fly in Heaven.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Tender / Heartbreak - Right Where I Am in 2012

As of 2am on January 29, 2012 it's been:

590 days, 17 hours, 6 minutes and 58 seconds
(or 1 year, 7 months, 11 days, 17 hours, 6 minutes, 58 seconds) since Evan was born.

It's been 586 days, 15 hours, 9 minutes and 58 seconds
(or 1 year, 7 months, 7 days, 15 hours, 9 minutes, 58 seconds) since he died in my arms.

I have a widget on the far right of my desktop that scrolls through and shows photos all day. This one popped up a bit ago and I love it. I was asking Glenn to check Evan's feet and make sure they were covered and tucked in before his dedication ceremony in the nursery. Us so preoccupied with such a minor detail to make sure our comatose unconcious son was comfortable for his big moment. Evan blissfully asleep in his morphine and midazolam induced coma... looking everybit the rockstar in his red white and blue and camo. Bugaboo definitely got my clashing fashion sense! (And we were all having a pretty good hair day considering the circumstances!)
So much tenderness here, almost an overload.
And then you see this one with the heartbreak and despair that comes with meeting a terminally ill infant the day before he's going to die (again). You can see it in my husband's face, etched in his posture. You can see it in my mom's bowed head, absolutely pleading with God to let Evan recover and truly live here on earth with us. You could have cut the tension in the nursery with a chainsaw and still not have made a dent. You can see I'm pretty oblivious to everything except my son and taking in his every cute detail. To this day I couldn't tell you much of what Pastor George said during Evan's dedication ceremony except what our last name means. Davies means "beloved of God" and is from the name David. I knew it was a form of David but didn't really know the meaning. Oh man oh man, was Evan born into the right family! Very beloved of God he is. Very beloved of God we are as a family.

--- All that aside, I had today off work! My first Sunday off in 6 weeks! :D

I had a good talk with Pastor Paul and with Corrine L today at church about some recent craziness going on within the turbulent odd madness that is my world. Pray that it all turns out the way I hope it will or something will come up that's even better. Email me if you want specifics (Mom you already know what is up).

I've got ladies coming for tea tomorrow morning at 9:30 (my Scarlet group, w00t w00t!), my downstairs is mostly done, I've laundry still going and we've filled our trash bins to the brim. I'm going to bed!

Bugaboo and Baby Girl, I miss you a lot. Never forget that!


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