Holy cow, how has it been 3 years already since you were born baby girl?
I cried myself to sleep last night, thinking of how your Daddy and I have been robbed. We were robbed of time with you, robbed of the dreams and plans and hopes we had for you and for ourselves, robbed of the 23 more weeks we should have had with you until your due date in May. Robbed of how we'll never get to see you and your cousin dressed in matching dresses pretending to be fairies. Robbed of how we'll never get to have silly pictures taken of you with your little brother and use them for Christmas cards. Robbed of the life we should have had and never will have with you.
I miss you baby girl. Its your birthday today and you weren't even alive when you were born. You were cold and gray and very obviously dead looking. You never got to meet your Daddy or know the hugs and cuddles of your grandparents, great grammas, aunties or uncles. You never got a proper burial or a proper marker. I kick myself right now for flushing you down the toilet, for not wrapping you up and asking if the doctor on call could tell if you were really a girl or boy, for denying your Daddy the chance to see you and to claim you as his own, his firstborn. I kick myself for not asking for a copy of your ultrasound so I could have a picture of you to hold onto on days like today. I kick myself.
It is rainy and cool(ish) and a downright depressing day today. I have chocolate cake to make for you, spaghetti and garlic bread to make for you and a coca cola bottle with your name on it chilling in the fridge. I have birthday balloons for you that I have to go pick up. Pink and purple ones with matching ribbons and some have flowers printed on them. Just for you baby girl, just for you. Evan can't have all the balloons in this family! ;) If he sees them and asks where his are, you tell him he had a LOT for his birthday and now its your turn to be the special baby.
I just wish I could hold you again baby girl, and clean you off and show you to your Daddy. To your grandparents. To take you from the hospital and to give you a proper burial. To order your little headstone and have a proper burial for you like your baby brother had...
I want to order this and have it placed near Evan's grave, so people who see it know that on Earth you're watching out for your baby brother like you are in Heaven.
I've gotten up and had my shower and coffee and your balloons are waiting. Please help me get through this day baby girl. Mama needs you so much. :'(