When we exchanged rings, we hoped our family of two would grow.
It has, into a family of 4. We're just split in half.
Two of us walk the Earth while two of us fly in Heaven.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Julia's 3rd birthday

Holy cow, how has it been 3 years already since you were born baby girl?

I cried myself to sleep last night, thinking of how your Daddy and I have been robbed. We were robbed of time with you, robbed of the dreams and plans and hopes we had for you and for ourselves, robbed of the 23 more weeks we should have had with you until your due date in May. Robbed of how we'll never get to see you and your cousin dressed in matching dresses pretending to be fairies. Robbed of how we'll never get to have silly pictures taken of you with your little brother and use them for Christmas cards. Robbed of the life we should have had and never will have with you.

I miss you baby girl. Its your birthday today and you weren't even alive when you were born. You were cold and gray and very obviously dead looking. You never got to meet your Daddy or know the hugs and cuddles of your grandparents, great grammas, aunties or uncles. You never got a proper burial or a proper marker. I kick myself right now for flushing you down the toilet, for not wrapping you up and asking if the doctor on call could tell if you were really a girl or boy, for denying your Daddy the chance to see you and to claim you as his own, his firstborn. I kick myself for not asking for a copy of your ultrasound so I could have a picture of you to hold onto on days like today. I kick myself.

It is rainy and cool(ish) and a downright depressing day today. I have chocolate cake to make for you, spaghetti and garlic bread to make for you and a coca cola bottle with your name on it chilling in the fridge. I have birthday balloons for you that I have to go pick up. Pink and purple ones with matching ribbons and some have flowers printed on them. Just for you baby girl, just for you. Evan can't have all the balloons in this family! ;) If he sees them and asks where his are, you tell him he had a LOT for his birthday and now its your turn to be the special baby.

I just wish I could hold you again baby girl, and clean you off and show you to your Daddy. To your grandparents. To take you from the hospital and to give you a proper burial. To order your little headstone and have a proper burial for you like your baby brother had...

I want to order this and have it placed near Evan's grave, so people who see it know that on Earth you're watching out for your baby brother like you are in Heaven.
I want you added on to our family tree because you existed, you were here and the lifetime I have to live without you is like a knife stabbing me in the gut daily -no, each second- and it kills me to know that I can't carry a baby to term or birth a baby that will come home with me. That my babies are no longer here and I can't show them off at playdates or buy them lunchboxes to take with them to nursery school, or make funny stories and songs up at bedtime or to watch them grow up. IT KILLS ME! I am so upset and so angry that both of you my precious babies are gone. It makes no sense that we're living this life sentence while you're not a part of our family. It just kills me. Time doesn't heal all wounds baby girl. We still grieve openly and hurt very much and are very raw around the edges.

I've gotten up and had my shower and coffee and your balloons are waiting. Please help me get through this day baby girl. Mama needs you so much. :'(


3 comments:

Mary said...

Thinking of your precious baby girl with you:) I bet she and Evan are having a great big party for her special day.

She has a chocolate cake with pink frosting. Whipped cream, not butter cream, because it is the best. She blows out her candles, but misses one at first. So her second blow is twice as hard and gets a little spit on the cake. Nobody cares though. They just think it was cute how hard she was blowing. They give her a great big cheer.

Her icecream is vanilla. She mixes it with her chocolate cake and thinks that is the best thing ever! She doesn't get her face too messy though. She is actually very clean for a three year old. Why? Well, because she doesn't want to mess up her beautiful pink and purple party dress. It twirls so beautifully and she LOVES it! Her beautiful long red curls bounce every time she twirls.

Then the presents. Oh, the presents! She has been waiting for this part. She has so many. She smiles from ear to ear. Evan runs up to her and says, "Open mine first Sissy!" So of course she does. She just loves her little brother so much. He sits next to her as she opens all of the rest of her presents. He helps her tear off the paper and smiles from ear to ear. He is so happy that Sissy let him help.

The last thing that she opens is the most special of all. It is a beautiful heart music box that plays "You are my sunshine". The music box is handed to her by The Lord Himself. As He hands it to her, He explains that he heard all of her mommy's prayers and saw all of the love in her mommy's heart for her precious Julia Rose. That is why He chose the beautiful Heart music box as a special gift from her loving Mommy. The Lord explains to Julia that Mommy still has work to do on Earth, but she will be there later. He tells her how much her Mommy loves her and wants so baddly to be with her today and every day. She holds the box so tight because it is so special. It's from her mommy!!! She plays the music box and it is even more special than she knew. It is HER MOMMY singing! Her mommy's voice is so beautiful! Julia's heart is about to burst with happiness!

She twirls around and around in her beautiful party dress with her gorgeous red curls bouncing, holding her mommy's music box singing "You are my sunshine". It has been such a happy day for her up in Heaven, but the best part hasn't even come yet.

After the party is over and the guests have gone home Julia, ever so gently, sets her music box on top of her dresser. You see, she has somewhere she wants to go. There is someone she wants to see. There is someone who this day just wouldn't be complete without. Someone who made this day possible. Someone who had carried her with so much love each day that she was on Earth. Her mommy!!!

So Julia's beautiful angel wings take her to Earth and she spends the rest of her day hugging her mommy. Her mommy can't see her, but she feels her there with her and hugs her right back. Julia falls asleep that night to the sound of her mommy's voice singing "You are my sunshine" and she knows she is just that, her mommy's sunshine.

That is my vision of how Julia is spending her day. Enjoy her hugs:)

Love,
Mary

Mary said...

I hope you don't mind me sharing Evan's song with his sister. I didn't know that it was his when I chose it. I bet they both love to hear you sing it though:)

((((HUGS)))) to you Mama!

Love,
Mary

Dana said...

Happy Birthday to sweet Julia. I wish she was in your arms, I wish you were planning a birthday party with several toddlers.

I know that it is so, so hard not to beat yourself up about what happened when she was born. It was so shocking though, your mind was filled with grief and sadness and we've all done things, or not done things, that we regret when they were born. She knows you loved her then and love her now, no matter what happened then.

Sending you lots of love and hugs.

Dana

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