Following other bloggy mommas with the right where I am right now in my grief project.
It's been 2 years 6 months and 10 days since our first baby, our tiny precious beautiful adorable sweet little Julia Rose was born. She'd been dead in my womb for atleast 2 weeks prior and we had no idea. I am still sad and angry that she died and we have no idea why or what caused her demise. I am angry at myself for flushing her down the toilet and not taking her home with us to bury someplace sacred. I am angry that I didn't demand a copy of our ultrasounds so I'd have some picture of her to hang onto. I am frustrated that she's in Heaven and taking care of her little brother instead of both of our babies here on Earth in our arms. I still feel very raw and offguard by Julia's sudden unexplained death and graphic tragic birth. I am irritated beyond belief by those that say cruel things like "it happened for a reason; you can always try for another; be glad you lost her when you did, you could have lost her much later on" and so on and so forth. Quite frankly, I'm still in shock that I'm a mother without my child.
I am heartbroken that my parents never got to see or hold her. I am gutted that my husband never got to see or hold his tiny baby girl in person. I hate that I don't dream of Julia as much as I used to. I'm upset that people don't ask about her like they do Evan. I'm annoyed that I'm still carrying around the baby weight I gained with her. I'm still shocked at how fast my breasts shrunk after she was born and that I wasn't warned. I am so grateful to Richard and Paul for coming to our home to pray with us and for Paul to do Julia's memorial service. I am grateful to Julia, for she made me a mother. Seeing her tiny body completely validated my experience of pregnancy and motherhood. I am thankful for my mother flying all the way down here for only a week to baby my husband and I after we lost our baby.
I am bewildered that our beloved baby never knew life outside my womb and that she'll only know life in Heaven.
That's right where I am, right now.
Thursday, June 02, 2011
Posted by Ausmerican Housewife - Creating with Kara Davies at 19:36