When we exchanged rings, we hoped our family of two would grow.
It has, into a family of 4. We're just split in half.
Two of us walk the Earth while two of us fly in Heaven.

Thursday, June 02, 2011

Right Where I Am Project: 2 years 6 months 10 days since Julia Rose

Following other bloggy mommas with the right where I am right now in my grief project.

It's been 2 years 6 months and 10 days since our first baby, our tiny precious beautiful adorable sweet little Julia Rose was born. She'd been dead in my womb for atleast 2 weeks prior and we had no idea. I am still sad and angry that she died and we have no idea why or what caused her demise. I am angry at myself for flushing her down the toilet and not taking her home with us to bury someplace sacred. I am angry that I didn't demand a copy of our ultrasounds so I'd have some picture of her to hang onto. I am frustrated that she's in Heaven and taking care of her little brother instead of both of our babies here on Earth in our arms. I still feel very raw and offguard by Julia's sudden unexplained death and graphic tragic birth. I am irritated beyond belief by those that say cruel things like "it happened for a reason; you can always try for another; be glad you lost her when you did, you could have lost her much later on" and so on and so forth. Quite frankly, I'm still in shock that I'm a mother without my child.

I am heartbroken that my parents never got to see or hold her. I am gutted that my husband never got to see or hold his tiny baby girl in person. I hate that I don't dream of Julia as much as I used to. I'm upset that people don't ask about her like they do Evan. I'm annoyed that I'm still carrying around the baby weight I gained with her. I'm still shocked at how fast my breasts shrunk after she was born and that I wasn't warned. I am so grateful to Richard and Paul for coming to our home to pray with us and for Paul to do Julia's memorial service. I am grateful to Julia, for she made me a mother. Seeing her tiny body completely validated my experience of pregnancy and motherhood. I am thankful for my mother flying all the way down here for only a week to baby my husband and I after we lost our baby.

I am bewildered that our beloved baby never knew life outside my womb and that she'll only know life in Heaven.

That's right where I am, right now.


Hope's Mama said...

Oh mama, I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious Julia. I'm two years and nine months out from the loss of my daughter, so we're in a similar place on this awful grief timeline. But to hear you lost your son as well. My heart hurts for you.

still life angie said...

I am just so sorry. Sometimes reading words takes you right back, and yours did for me. Sending you love. xo

after iris said...

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you didn't get to say goodbye in the way you would have wanted. x

erica said...

I'm so sorry for your loss of Julia, and my heart aches for you - that bewilderment and the rawness of what you're feeling - and to lose Evan, too. Oh, sweetie, you've been through far too much. I'm grateful to you for sharing this post and where you are, and I'm sending love.

Matushka Anna said...

I'm so sorry. It's so hard not to be able to "go back". I had dreams of being able to go back and "put Innocent back in" to finish growing. I'd feel like a crazy person. ((hugs))

Of course I don't know, but there's a good chance you may be able to request ultrasound pictures from the hospital of Julia. They have to keep these on record for quite a long time. It may be something you want to try sometime (or have someone try for you).

Fireflyforever said...

I am so sorry that your little girl is not in your arms where she should be. There is so much shock and trauma when a baby dies - they shouldn't, they really shouldn't.

My Emma died in October 08, so we're on similar timelines and I'm still carrying the baby weight I gained with her - as if my body knows I don't have her so is holding on to any memory of her it can.

Catherine W said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your little Julia Rose. To lose her when your pregnancy was going well, so unexpectedly. . it's just very sad. Please don't be angry with yourself, you would have been in terrible shock. We can all only do what feels right at the time. Thinking of your sweet little girl xo

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